Hello! My Name is Tiia and I am a Shopaholic.

My No Buy was going well. Then my mother ended up in the hospital, and all I wanted was to buy things.

My mother had a heart attack a week ago. Even though she is already at home recovering and she will be fine, I feel completely drained and exhausted from the emotional turmoil and the uncertainty that revolved around the first few days of her convalescence. The past week has involved a lot of soul searching (it’s tough when your parents get old) and trying to organize both personal and work schedules to fit around my mother’s recovery period. It’s been stressful. If I didn’t really know it before, it is now confirmed: when I am in distress, my initial reaction is to turn to shopping. When I’m feeling down, anxious, annoyed or confused, I want to buy stuff to make myself feel better.

I went on a No Buy on April 1st. I struggled for the first two weeks like I always do, but the third week felt much easier. Then I caved on April 26th and bought two skirts: a black bouncy Pleats Please skirt that I love, and a putty color Rundholz parachute skirt. Usually when I go off a No Buy, all hell breaks loose. First I buy one thing, then another, then another. I might go thrifting and buy five things at one time and then feel terrible afterward. But this time, after I had bought the two skirts, I just went back to not buying things. Lo and behold, I haven’t bought anything since April 26th. 

Getting dressed has felt easy. Every morning I open my tiny walk-in closet and marvel at all the beautiful clothes I already have. The clothes I’ve been wearing haven’t been anything ground-breaking, but I’ve felt very comfortable, in the zone: I am somehow able to see the essence of the clothes around me. Even at work (I own a small second hand and vintage shop) I have streamlined the selection of clothes on the racks. The shop has fewer pieces on offer and it’s easier for customers to browse. Even though I am selling fewer items as a result, I am okay with it (for now… we’ll see how long that lasts). 

I have a handful of observations:

1. I resent the idea of buying more things that I’d have to fit into my wardrobe and learn to style. I feel that it would take an awful lot of effort to buy something new right now.

2. The sight of large amounts of clothes makes me feel uneasy. I don’t have the patience to look through things.

3. I couldn’t care less about the sale season. I have no interest in checking what’s on sale.

4. My credit card balance looks a lot better. I’m recognizing that even though I haven’t been spending beyond my means, for some time I’ve always been catching up. There was always a purchase or two on my credit card. I was always paying off one thing or another.

5. I am not a perfect consumer by any stretch of the imagination, and I try to not judge others, because it’s not my place. I still find myself looking at the way other people shop and I feel utterly perplexed, like I’m partially removed from the reality where others live. Sale hauls feel especially alien to me. Why do we drown ourselves and our lives in all of this stuff? Why do we do this to ourselves? 

After my mother was hospitalized, I’ve felt the urge to shop again. On the one hand I sit with my observations above, and they are all still valid. On the other hand I recognize an unpleasantness, an itch. I can’t relax. It’s not about wanting new things, because I don’t actively want anything. It has nothing to do with the clothes. It’s the act of buying something that feels seductive. I know what this is about: I am a recovering shopaholic.

I’ve known this about myself (there’s an earlier newsletter where I discuss the way I used to shop here) but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it quite like this before. Previously my urge to buy things has been woven into fashion: there were actual physical things I liked and wanted to have. I’d buy stuff and feel the dopamine hit for a short while, and afterward I was left wondering if I had maybe bought the wrong thing because the feeling didn’t last. Then I’d go look for the next thing to buy. Right now I am removed from the things I might want to buy, but the devil is sitting on my shoulder, telling me “hey, your mom had a heart attack, how about buying new pants?” It’s an utterly confusing feeling. I keep opening the Vestiaire Collective app, browsing for a minute, then shutting it down in disgust, and putting my phone away. This pair of graphs from The World Is On Fire And We’re Still Buying Shoes feels relevant:

This is a screenshot from Alec Leach’s Instagram image / @alecleach_. Alec Leach is the author of The World Is On Fire But We’re Still Buying Shoes’

Yesterday I went thrifting for my shop and I perhaps bought more pieces than I usually do. Either I had good luck at the thrift store, or I did some therapy shopping there, disguised as buying for my business. Who knows. Maybe it was a bit of both. I try to focus on the fact that I still haven’t bought anything for myself. I feel content with my wardrobe, I do. The itch is still there though, so I take a deep breath in, all the way down to my stomach, and exhale slowly. F*ck this sh*t. I can do this.

P.S.

I am obviously not a psychologist, but here are some things to look out for if you think that you might have a problem with shopping:

• You are continuously thinking about what to buy next

• You browse online and/or physical stores (or go to thrift stores) for things to buy every week

• You consider shopping (or thrifting) a hobby

• You feel shame or guilt after you have bought things (sometimes these emotions can manifest themselves as self-deprecation and defensiveness)

• You have a lot of clothes in your closet that you haven’t worn more than a handful of times or that have tags on

• You have to donate or resell some of your clothes every season in order to make room for new purchases and to feel like you’re in control

• You have to keep reorganizing your closet to have things fit (also worth noting: having to buy thinner hangers)

  If any of these things sound familiar, you are not alone!