Hi Tiia, thanks for thus very thoughtful news letter. I am older than most of your readers - in my sixties. I can honestly say, life just gets better. I am happier now than I have ever been. I love wearing my nice things but I also have some fun "stuff" in my closet that makes me happy too. I got hooked on the Tibi style class early on during the pandemic. I just loved the new to me perspective but don't find them as interesting as I did in the beginning. At the end of the day, Tibi is in business to sell us new stuff just like the entire fashion industry. We must all find that balance between enjoying what we already own and buying new. The health of our planet depends on a huge reduction of clothing production and only the consumers will make this happen. So, yes, buy nice things that will last that you love!! And buy less.
Hear hear! Finding balance -- that's the goal. I have always struggled with that when it comes to clothes, although I'm finally, slowly, getting better at it. Realizing that it's not an 'all or nothing' game has been helpful. Style and fashion can be fun, even when the fashion system really needs to change for the sake of our planet. I love the way you describe your 60s and your relationship to your clothes. It gives me hope that better, more balanced times are in my future, too!
Such an interesting read. It's always mattered to me that I show a bit of myself through my clothes. If I'm honest it's about always wanting to feel a bit different from other people, generally through having a masculine style.
I got sidetracked by Tibi and spent a ridiculous amount of money (for me) that I really didn't have. I'm selling it all at the moment. I've realised that as other comments have said, she's helped shake up my style but I don't really think that Tibi look is entirely me. I'm ditching all my oversized blazers and slouchy trousers. I actually realised that it doesn't really suit my body type (yes I know Amy hates any notion of looking for things that flatter, but I'm realising I don't entirely agree with that - after all her designs suit her shape don't they?!).
I've also realised I don't like her obsession with avoiding looking 'basic' - sometimes that basic look is pretty close to Sofia Coppola! And I really agree with wanting 'nice things' - and actually sometimes they don't have 'ease' in them (another of Amy's obsessions).
I'm really more inspired by people like you and Rachel Tasjian -I've nought some amazing vintage via links on her newsletter (I just messaged her and asked to be on the list - I'm no one special). Having avoided vintage for a decade or so, worried that I'd too old for it, I'm now loving buying it again. I bought 2 vintage Yohji jackets and can't wait to wear them. Neither is big and baggy!
I love that you've found your own style voice again after getting sidetracked! It takes guts to stick to your guns when someone you respect and admire disagrees with how you feel about clothes and style. I remember once, in an IG live, Amy said that she didn't care for Dries Van Noten's womenswear because she felt it was "too precious", and I was just in total shock. I think that might have been the first time when I began to think that perhaps I needed to move away from the Style Class a little bit. No one messes with my love for Dries! :-D
I think it makes sense to follow your own instincts when it comes to matters of style, but it's easier said than done sometimes. What's basic for one might not be basic for someone else. What's 'ease' for Amy might not be 'ease' for you. We're all different!
I'd love to get the Opulent Tips newsletter, too. It seems that she's really rooting for the 'personal' in personal style.
I totally agree! Dries is my absolute favorit and has been for over 20 yrs. I'm inspired by Tibi, but never got as hooked as many others. The actual oversized fit (also seen at Dries) made me cleaning out my closet from a lot of fitted clothes, especially those with a little too short arms. Nowadays I do buy secondhand in larger sizes to get the more modern silhuet with vintage or secondhand clothes.
Loads of people apparently hate the word "flatter," as they equate it with thinness. Personally, I don't have a problem with "flattering!" Yes, I'd like my clothes to suit my body type. The notion of body types also gets people in Tibi Land upset and I actually felt liberated at one point by buying things I never would have considered in the past due to my body type. Of course, almost all of this stuff has now been sold. I think most of us have a good idea what suits us. Even Amy has said she isn't a fan of her legs and covers them up.
Absolutely. The notion of "flattering" clothes often also comes with the weird idea that you're somehow "stuck" wearing only certain types of clothes (those that flatter one's figure), and that knowing and following what's "flattering" forces you to opt out of experimentation or dressing outside of the box. That's just silly. We can wear flattering clothes one day and different ones the next, if we feel like it! I don't think there's anything wrong with liking things that are flattering, but that's not necessarily the only goal of getting dressed.
You know, this thing about not only wearing but also buying nice things has been on my mind too recently, triggered by two online exchanges.
In one of the exchanges, I was arguing that fast fashion as a concept is pretty horrible no matter how little of it people are buying it. I got told that I'm privileged and rich and that I don't understand how most people simply cannot afford better. What's funny to me is that I grew up in a poor family but even then my parents always tried to buy the best quality they could afford, standing by that old saying "We're too poor to afford cheap clothes." This meant that I might have gotten one new pair of shoes per year but that the pair was good enough to last me a couple of years. But sadly I think that the appreciation for quality is something dying among us. (Also, among people from all socio-economic backgrounds. Because there are people who buy $300 logo'd Gucci t-shirts that are on par with your average Zara ones.)
But the second exchange that is still stuck into my mind is an older one, involving a girl that wanted some opinions on night gowns. She was planning on buying 4 x $20 polyester night gowns from Ali. I told her that if she's anyway spending that money she can find a silk night gown for the same price: it feels wonderful on the skin, it's breathable, you don't stink in it, plus you can wash it in the morning and by the evening it will be already dry and you'll be able to wear it again (that's what I've been doing). She told me that she's on a budget and cannot afford a silk gown even though I wasn't proposing anything over her initial budget. And she went on with her initial order.
But I think there is something larger playing here about 1. people thinking that nice things are somehow out of reach for them, 2. people not realizing how nice wearing something nice will make you feel (well that was a mouthful), and 3. always wanting more instead of less.
As a disclaimer: I'm not arguing that people who literally cannot afford more go on and spend half of their salary on a sweater. I know there are people who simply cannot afford better. But I look around me and see that the majority of people who *could* do better simply don't (care enough to) do it.
PS. Sorry for the long comment but also I wanted to say that I missed your newsletter last week. Take care!
Yes, yes, yes, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with the three points you made!
Nice things are not necessarily very expensive. You can find amazing things at thrift stores, but of course it requires a lot of effort and patience to find them. I recently spoke to someone who said that they were saving up for a Max Mara wool coat. It was going to take them years to put the required money to the side, but they were committed. I was in awe. That's the right way to shop when you don't have a lot of money.
I think that a lot of people don't recognize good quality in clothing. Not all that many people sew their own clothes anymore, so they are not familiar with good fabrics or garment construction. That leads to not knowing how nice 'nice things' can feel.
And your third point: more vs less. It's insane to think that anyone would need to buy four poly night gowns. In some ways I know what that's like though. When you're hooked on buying, the more you can buy, the more you can reach that quick fix of having something new. It's so unhealthy though, and it only leads to needing more and more, and nothing is ever quite enough.
I'm also annoyed by the many people who say they can't afford to buy items of clothing that aren't fast fashion. The truth is many of them can afford it, if they'd stop buying so much fast fashion - it all adds up! They seem to feel there's often no difference in quality and they're simply being savvy with their money.
I agree that no one is "forced" to buy fast fashion. What people can afford is complicated, though. It takes a lot to opt out of a consumerist mindset, especially when the world around you is telling you that you need new things all the time.
This definitely strikes a chord, as someone in my mid forties too. I also felt like the Tibi style classes threw my style off a little. But it also put into words a lot of things I felt and knew, but couldn’t articulate. Now, I take everything with a grain of salt, and try to trust my gut when getting dressed. I still have way too much ‘stuff’ and my small closets are bursting at the seams. I need to whittle down, and re-organize. But it’s a process. Thank you, Tiia.
It is indeed a process, just like everything in life. I, too, am trying to trust my instincts more, and also to cultivate patience when it comes to the way I react to style advice, trends and fashion rules. I'm realizing that it's okay to disagree with what some style guru says or thinks. Not always easy though!
Wow this hits home. I’m in my mid-30s with 2 babies right after the other while my workplace is restructuring but it was in this period i found my style. Pieces that reflect who I am in this chaos. But in the horizon, there’s menopause, there’s looking forward to life in flux. My style allows me to show up and be complety present at the moment while everything else is up in the air. This article speaks to me ;) thank you
Thank you for perspective about the forties! Im 41 and feeling “simultaneously the most confident and the most insecure about yourself than you’ve ever been” really resonates
I wish there was more discussion about perimenopause. The challenges that have snuck up on me in my 40s came without any warning whatsoever. I had no idea this would happen, and yet there are so many of us at this age, wondering what the heck is going on!
Agreed! I believe that I suffered tremendously in anxiety and depression around my cycle for several years in my late 30's / early 40's not knowing I had estrogen dominance (low progesterone). Now at 49, I'm hovering in and out of menopause and without hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I would be a complete mess. I wish women talked more about all of this because for some of us, these changes massively impact our lives!
Please write the Mandalorian post!! And the Andor post (Fiona Shaw is a style icon in any role). I should be working right now but I can't get this post out of my head. I am 53 and can probably count on my fingers the number of "nice things" I've had in your definition. When purposefully seek a nice thing, it inevitably disappoints me: my size changes, my style changes, my circumstances change. My favorite pieces reveal themselves through time and use, and I can't predict at the outset what I will love most. I have so many pieces that I thrilled to in the dressing room or when I unwrapped them, but by the time I wore them I thought, "Hmm... what did I have in mind with this?" Another challenge: the internet makes it so easy to buy high quality second-hand clothes for not much money, so I buy too much, or too randomly, and even the potential nice things become "stuff" in those circumstances. I'm not sure what the solution is, other than close attention and fewer purchases. Thank you for your wisdom and your honesty.
i feel this! i have a closet full of what should be "nice things". mostly 2nd hand designer purchased online. i have spent a fortune. and yet... things i love at first end up becoming "stuff". i have many positive feels about being in my 40s, but getting dressed has seemed like an extraordinary challenge! to some extent, i think because i came to expect it to be easy - meaning, if i have a closet full of clothes i should be able to throw things together quickly and be happy. perhaps i need to spend more time playing around in there, which was more second nature to me/something "fun" to do in my younger years.
Online purchases are particularly challenging when it comes to 'nice things'. I've bought really nice things online, but only in theory. The picture of the item looks nice, it should be a nice fabric, maybe a designer whose fit I'm familiar with... But the problem is that I can't feel the material before I make the purchase, I can't get a sense of what it is that I'm really buying, the item's weight or construction, those really big important things that have to do with fit, or how it falls on my body... When the item arrives, I might feel excited for a while because of all the expectations I have for the item... and then when the expectations don't quite materialize, I'm left with this weird void of missing what I thought I would feel. It's so weird. I think I'm better off buying clothes in person, but then again, that's problematic, too, for a bunch of reasons, but that's another topic entirely...
And yes: playing in one's closet! I haven't really played, like in a long time. I used to come up with outfits and try them on for fun, and I haven't done that in ages. Maybe we both should..?
I think, for me in my 50s (moreso than in my 40s, but I was in a different, darker struggle in my 40s), it's hard to find clothes that make me feel like my best self because I don't know who that best self is! She/I keeps changing, which is very cool and energizing... and also hard to dress for.
I can relate to this, I think! This is why I can't get on the style "modifier" bandwagon from Tibi Style Class. I am much too multifaceted of a person to be able to come up with one thing about myself that would run through "who I am as a person" in a singular fashion. There are so many sides to who I am.
I might post the one about The Mandalorian at some point, although right now it requires a re-write. Maybe I'll write a longer Star Wars themed one after all...
It's really difficult to recognize a 'nice thing' sometimes! I've bought things that I thought were really nice, only to not want to wear them once I had them, and usually because of a reason I couldn't have possibly foreseen in the fitting room. Some seemingly random things have become 'nice things' for me, too, like it's just luck of the draw. I can't think of any other solution except being super aware of how you feel when you're making purchases, and buying less. Easier said than done!
It would be hard for anyone following you on IG to tell that you felt insecure about your style; proving again that what we see on IG is really a very small and glimpse into what makes a person. I’ve been thinking about the concept of investment dressing lately (ie, it’s sitting in my drafts folder) -- I don’t believe in CPW or the idea that buying well is good financial advice (personal finance so much more complex than that) but I like the idea that clothes can have emotional “returns” based on the thoughts you put into deciding whether to buy something. The big emotional “yeses” are rare but they’ve always “paid off” for me, as have well-considered (sometimes boring) staples and things I took a long time to find (vintage jeans that fit). And everything else is just “fillers”, like you said! Nice enough fillers, to be sure, but I bought them because I felt like buying something at the time. And that’s the worst kind of investment in my experience. What you said about wearing only nice things is absolutely hitting home!
I'm looking forward to reading more about your thoughts re: investment dressing. I have played with CPW in the past and continue to sometimes talk about it with my customers at my shop, because it does put into perspective what it means to get wear out of clothes and what words like 'expensive' and 'cheap' mean to individual people. I think that CPW can be used as a consumer concept, but not any more than that. It doesn't tackle the emotional side of buying and wearing clothes, the feelings we get when we get dressed, why we choose to wear something over another thing... so I do also believe in emotional returns that come from clothes, and that's like a different ballgame entirely. Emotional returns are where the big guns reside, they can tell us about our personal style and our identity, unlike CPW.
This was such a great read, that really resonates with me - close to 40 years of age and having had a few rough but enlightning years behind me, losing a parent, while in therapy for other issues - painfully but eagerly (re)discovering myself. And - my love for and relationship to clothes, at the same time.
The pleasure of getting dressed came back in this process, the playfulness in planning outfits, and also much more mindfully shopping for clothes, as well as reading/watching more thoughtful content related to clothes and style, like Substacks and Tibi Style Classes (the latter have been super useful for getting better use of the clothes I already own, also the «fillers», seeing them differently, as tools.)
I too want nice things now - that feel nice, in my mind, in front of my mirror, on my body, for my wallet (which for me also means «allowing» myself to spend more in some items, not setteling for the «almost nice», because I can actually afford some nicer things now.)
Oh I’m rambling - but just wanted to express the «yes! This!» I had when I opened and read through your newsletter.
You're in a great place with your personal style and wardrobe -- I'm so happy for you!
I'm thinking that I should go back to playing with my clothes and planning outfits, too. I used to do it all the time and for some reason I moved away from it. I always enjoyed it in the past, so maybe I'll start up again!
Oh, how the repeating stanza of Bob Dylan’s “My Back Pages” comes to mind “ I was so much older then, I am younger than that now”. I was recently reminded of it, if you haven’t seen the 30th Anniversary rendition, you must Google it - it gets me every time.
My mid 40s too were full of questions. It was the time of 9/11 and I was working in an international investment firm on the east coast (U.S.) and I too questioned so much of who I was. It is a good thing. Now I am 67 and a visual artist - wouldn’t pay the bills but fortunate for that prior corporate job!
So it can be good to question, but not to compare ( to Tibi world).
And I love the reminder of “ nice things” and you indeed have “ nice things” and so much more personal than wearing a brand.
I had to Google the 1992 concert version of My Back Pages -- how young Tom Petty looked, and George Harrison still looked and sounded so vibrant!
Thank you for sharing your experiences from your mid 40s. It's a strange time for sure. I'm looking forward to feeling a sense of calm eventually, one day... I'm sure it will come. <3
I would positively DIE if a writer and style lover of your caliber (which is most excellent) sent out a newsletter on Star Wars. I was giddy when I read that you are a fellow Star Wars fan! One of my favourite things to do when writing is to throw in a Star wars quote to just find like minded sartorial Star Wars fans!
Hi Tiia, thanks for thus very thoughtful news letter. I am older than most of your readers - in my sixties. I can honestly say, life just gets better. I am happier now than I have ever been. I love wearing my nice things but I also have some fun "stuff" in my closet that makes me happy too. I got hooked on the Tibi style class early on during the pandemic. I just loved the new to me perspective but don't find them as interesting as I did in the beginning. At the end of the day, Tibi is in business to sell us new stuff just like the entire fashion industry. We must all find that balance between enjoying what we already own and buying new. The health of our planet depends on a huge reduction of clothing production and only the consumers will make this happen. So, yes, buy nice things that will last that you love!! And buy less.
Hear hear! Finding balance -- that's the goal. I have always struggled with that when it comes to clothes, although I'm finally, slowly, getting better at it. Realizing that it's not an 'all or nothing' game has been helpful. Style and fashion can be fun, even when the fashion system really needs to change for the sake of our planet. I love the way you describe your 60s and your relationship to your clothes. It gives me hope that better, more balanced times are in my future, too!
Such an interesting read. It's always mattered to me that I show a bit of myself through my clothes. If I'm honest it's about always wanting to feel a bit different from other people, generally through having a masculine style.
I got sidetracked by Tibi and spent a ridiculous amount of money (for me) that I really didn't have. I'm selling it all at the moment. I've realised that as other comments have said, she's helped shake up my style but I don't really think that Tibi look is entirely me. I'm ditching all my oversized blazers and slouchy trousers. I actually realised that it doesn't really suit my body type (yes I know Amy hates any notion of looking for things that flatter, but I'm realising I don't entirely agree with that - after all her designs suit her shape don't they?!).
I've also realised I don't like her obsession with avoiding looking 'basic' - sometimes that basic look is pretty close to Sofia Coppola! And I really agree with wanting 'nice things' - and actually sometimes they don't have 'ease' in them (another of Amy's obsessions).
I'm really more inspired by people like you and Rachel Tasjian -I've nought some amazing vintage via links on her newsletter (I just messaged her and asked to be on the list - I'm no one special). Having avoided vintage for a decade or so, worried that I'd too old for it, I'm now loving buying it again. I bought 2 vintage Yohji jackets and can't wait to wear them. Neither is big and baggy!
I love that you've found your own style voice again after getting sidetracked! It takes guts to stick to your guns when someone you respect and admire disagrees with how you feel about clothes and style. I remember once, in an IG live, Amy said that she didn't care for Dries Van Noten's womenswear because she felt it was "too precious", and I was just in total shock. I think that might have been the first time when I began to think that perhaps I needed to move away from the Style Class a little bit. No one messes with my love for Dries! :-D
I think it makes sense to follow your own instincts when it comes to matters of style, but it's easier said than done sometimes. What's basic for one might not be basic for someone else. What's 'ease' for Amy might not be 'ease' for you. We're all different!
I'd love to get the Opulent Tips newsletter, too. It seems that she's really rooting for the 'personal' in personal style.
I totally agree! Dries is my absolute favorit and has been for over 20 yrs. I'm inspired by Tibi, but never got as hooked as many others. The actual oversized fit (also seen at Dries) made me cleaning out my closet from a lot of fitted clothes, especially those with a little too short arms. Nowadays I do buy secondhand in larger sizes to get the more modern silhuet with vintage or secondhand clothes.
Loads of people apparently hate the word "flatter," as they equate it with thinness. Personally, I don't have a problem with "flattering!" Yes, I'd like my clothes to suit my body type. The notion of body types also gets people in Tibi Land upset and I actually felt liberated at one point by buying things I never would have considered in the past due to my body type. Of course, almost all of this stuff has now been sold. I think most of us have a good idea what suits us. Even Amy has said she isn't a fan of her legs and covers them up.
Absolutely. The notion of "flattering" clothes often also comes with the weird idea that you're somehow "stuck" wearing only certain types of clothes (those that flatter one's figure), and that knowing and following what's "flattering" forces you to opt out of experimentation or dressing outside of the box. That's just silly. We can wear flattering clothes one day and different ones the next, if we feel like it! I don't think there's anything wrong with liking things that are flattering, but that's not necessarily the only goal of getting dressed.
You know, this thing about not only wearing but also buying nice things has been on my mind too recently, triggered by two online exchanges.
In one of the exchanges, I was arguing that fast fashion as a concept is pretty horrible no matter how little of it people are buying it. I got told that I'm privileged and rich and that I don't understand how most people simply cannot afford better. What's funny to me is that I grew up in a poor family but even then my parents always tried to buy the best quality they could afford, standing by that old saying "We're too poor to afford cheap clothes." This meant that I might have gotten one new pair of shoes per year but that the pair was good enough to last me a couple of years. But sadly I think that the appreciation for quality is something dying among us. (Also, among people from all socio-economic backgrounds. Because there are people who buy $300 logo'd Gucci t-shirts that are on par with your average Zara ones.)
But the second exchange that is still stuck into my mind is an older one, involving a girl that wanted some opinions on night gowns. She was planning on buying 4 x $20 polyester night gowns from Ali. I told her that if she's anyway spending that money she can find a silk night gown for the same price: it feels wonderful on the skin, it's breathable, you don't stink in it, plus you can wash it in the morning and by the evening it will be already dry and you'll be able to wear it again (that's what I've been doing). She told me that she's on a budget and cannot afford a silk gown even though I wasn't proposing anything over her initial budget. And she went on with her initial order.
But I think there is something larger playing here about 1. people thinking that nice things are somehow out of reach for them, 2. people not realizing how nice wearing something nice will make you feel (well that was a mouthful), and 3. always wanting more instead of less.
As a disclaimer: I'm not arguing that people who literally cannot afford more go on and spend half of their salary on a sweater. I know there are people who simply cannot afford better. But I look around me and see that the majority of people who *could* do better simply don't (care enough to) do it.
PS. Sorry for the long comment but also I wanted to say that I missed your newsletter last week. Take care!
Yes, yes, yes, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with the three points you made!
Nice things are not necessarily very expensive. You can find amazing things at thrift stores, but of course it requires a lot of effort and patience to find them. I recently spoke to someone who said that they were saving up for a Max Mara wool coat. It was going to take them years to put the required money to the side, but they were committed. I was in awe. That's the right way to shop when you don't have a lot of money.
I think that a lot of people don't recognize good quality in clothing. Not all that many people sew their own clothes anymore, so they are not familiar with good fabrics or garment construction. That leads to not knowing how nice 'nice things' can feel.
And your third point: more vs less. It's insane to think that anyone would need to buy four poly night gowns. In some ways I know what that's like though. When you're hooked on buying, the more you can buy, the more you can reach that quick fix of having something new. It's so unhealthy though, and it only leads to needing more and more, and nothing is ever quite enough.
I'm also annoyed by the many people who say they can't afford to buy items of clothing that aren't fast fashion. The truth is many of them can afford it, if they'd stop buying so much fast fashion - it all adds up! They seem to feel there's often no difference in quality and they're simply being savvy with their money.
I agree that no one is "forced" to buy fast fashion. What people can afford is complicated, though. It takes a lot to opt out of a consumerist mindset, especially when the world around you is telling you that you need new things all the time.
This definitely strikes a chord, as someone in my mid forties too. I also felt like the Tibi style classes threw my style off a little. But it also put into words a lot of things I felt and knew, but couldn’t articulate. Now, I take everything with a grain of salt, and try to trust my gut when getting dressed. I still have way too much ‘stuff’ and my small closets are bursting at the seams. I need to whittle down, and re-organize. But it’s a process. Thank you, Tiia.
It is indeed a process, just like everything in life. I, too, am trying to trust my instincts more, and also to cultivate patience when it comes to the way I react to style advice, trends and fashion rules. I'm realizing that it's okay to disagree with what some style guru says or thinks. Not always easy though!
Wow this hits home. I’m in my mid-30s with 2 babies right after the other while my workplace is restructuring but it was in this period i found my style. Pieces that reflect who I am in this chaos. But in the horizon, there’s menopause, there’s looking forward to life in flux. My style allows me to show up and be complety present at the moment while everything else is up in the air. This article speaks to me ;) thank you
Sounds like you are in a beautiful place with your style. I applaud you for finding your own way in a tumultuous time in your life!
Thank you for perspective about the forties! Im 41 and feeling “simultaneously the most confident and the most insecure about yourself than you’ve ever been” really resonates
I wish there was more discussion about perimenopause. The challenges that have snuck up on me in my 40s came without any warning whatsoever. I had no idea this would happen, and yet there are so many of us at this age, wondering what the heck is going on!
Agreed! I believe that I suffered tremendously in anxiety and depression around my cycle for several years in my late 30's / early 40's not knowing I had estrogen dominance (low progesterone). Now at 49, I'm hovering in and out of menopause and without hormone replacement therapy (HRT), I would be a complete mess. I wish women talked more about all of this because for some of us, these changes massively impact our lives!
Please write the Mandalorian post!! And the Andor post (Fiona Shaw is a style icon in any role). I should be working right now but I can't get this post out of my head. I am 53 and can probably count on my fingers the number of "nice things" I've had in your definition. When purposefully seek a nice thing, it inevitably disappoints me: my size changes, my style changes, my circumstances change. My favorite pieces reveal themselves through time and use, and I can't predict at the outset what I will love most. I have so many pieces that I thrilled to in the dressing room or when I unwrapped them, but by the time I wore them I thought, "Hmm... what did I have in mind with this?" Another challenge: the internet makes it so easy to buy high quality second-hand clothes for not much money, so I buy too much, or too randomly, and even the potential nice things become "stuff" in those circumstances. I'm not sure what the solution is, other than close attention and fewer purchases. Thank you for your wisdom and your honesty.
i feel this! i have a closet full of what should be "nice things". mostly 2nd hand designer purchased online. i have spent a fortune. and yet... things i love at first end up becoming "stuff". i have many positive feels about being in my 40s, but getting dressed has seemed like an extraordinary challenge! to some extent, i think because i came to expect it to be easy - meaning, if i have a closet full of clothes i should be able to throw things together quickly and be happy. perhaps i need to spend more time playing around in there, which was more second nature to me/something "fun" to do in my younger years.
Online purchases are particularly challenging when it comes to 'nice things'. I've bought really nice things online, but only in theory. The picture of the item looks nice, it should be a nice fabric, maybe a designer whose fit I'm familiar with... But the problem is that I can't feel the material before I make the purchase, I can't get a sense of what it is that I'm really buying, the item's weight or construction, those really big important things that have to do with fit, or how it falls on my body... When the item arrives, I might feel excited for a while because of all the expectations I have for the item... and then when the expectations don't quite materialize, I'm left with this weird void of missing what I thought I would feel. It's so weird. I think I'm better off buying clothes in person, but then again, that's problematic, too, for a bunch of reasons, but that's another topic entirely...
And yes: playing in one's closet! I haven't really played, like in a long time. I used to come up with outfits and try them on for fun, and I haven't done that in ages. Maybe we both should..?
I think, for me in my 50s (moreso than in my 40s, but I was in a different, darker struggle in my 40s), it's hard to find clothes that make me feel like my best self because I don't know who that best self is! She/I keeps changing, which is very cool and energizing... and also hard to dress for.
I can relate to this, I think! This is why I can't get on the style "modifier" bandwagon from Tibi Style Class. I am much too multifaceted of a person to be able to come up with one thing about myself that would run through "who I am as a person" in a singular fashion. There are so many sides to who I am.
I might post the one about The Mandalorian at some point, although right now it requires a re-write. Maybe I'll write a longer Star Wars themed one after all...
It's really difficult to recognize a 'nice thing' sometimes! I've bought things that I thought were really nice, only to not want to wear them once I had them, and usually because of a reason I couldn't have possibly foreseen in the fitting room. Some seemingly random things have become 'nice things' for me, too, like it's just luck of the draw. I can't think of any other solution except being super aware of how you feel when you're making purchases, and buying less. Easier said than done!
It would be hard for anyone following you on IG to tell that you felt insecure about your style; proving again that what we see on IG is really a very small and glimpse into what makes a person. I’ve been thinking about the concept of investment dressing lately (ie, it’s sitting in my drafts folder) -- I don’t believe in CPW or the idea that buying well is good financial advice (personal finance so much more complex than that) but I like the idea that clothes can have emotional “returns” based on the thoughts you put into deciding whether to buy something. The big emotional “yeses” are rare but they’ve always “paid off” for me, as have well-considered (sometimes boring) staples and things I took a long time to find (vintage jeans that fit). And everything else is just “fillers”, like you said! Nice enough fillers, to be sure, but I bought them because I felt like buying something at the time. And that’s the worst kind of investment in my experience. What you said about wearing only nice things is absolutely hitting home!
I'm looking forward to reading more about your thoughts re: investment dressing. I have played with CPW in the past and continue to sometimes talk about it with my customers at my shop, because it does put into perspective what it means to get wear out of clothes and what words like 'expensive' and 'cheap' mean to individual people. I think that CPW can be used as a consumer concept, but not any more than that. It doesn't tackle the emotional side of buying and wearing clothes, the feelings we get when we get dressed, why we choose to wear something over another thing... so I do also believe in emotional returns that come from clothes, and that's like a different ballgame entirely. Emotional returns are where the big guns reside, they can tell us about our personal style and our identity, unlike CPW.
This was such a great read, that really resonates with me - close to 40 years of age and having had a few rough but enlightning years behind me, losing a parent, while in therapy for other issues - painfully but eagerly (re)discovering myself. And - my love for and relationship to clothes, at the same time.
The pleasure of getting dressed came back in this process, the playfulness in planning outfits, and also much more mindfully shopping for clothes, as well as reading/watching more thoughtful content related to clothes and style, like Substacks and Tibi Style Classes (the latter have been super useful for getting better use of the clothes I already own, also the «fillers», seeing them differently, as tools.)
I too want nice things now - that feel nice, in my mind, in front of my mirror, on my body, for my wallet (which for me also means «allowing» myself to spend more in some items, not setteling for the «almost nice», because I can actually afford some nicer things now.)
Oh I’m rambling - but just wanted to express the «yes! This!» I had when I opened and read through your newsletter.
You're in a great place with your personal style and wardrobe -- I'm so happy for you!
I'm thinking that I should go back to playing with my clothes and planning outfits, too. I used to do it all the time and for some reason I moved away from it. I always enjoyed it in the past, so maybe I'll start up again!
Oh, how the repeating stanza of Bob Dylan’s “My Back Pages” comes to mind “ I was so much older then, I am younger than that now”. I was recently reminded of it, if you haven’t seen the 30th Anniversary rendition, you must Google it - it gets me every time.
My mid 40s too were full of questions. It was the time of 9/11 and I was working in an international investment firm on the east coast (U.S.) and I too questioned so much of who I was. It is a good thing. Now I am 67 and a visual artist - wouldn’t pay the bills but fortunate for that prior corporate job!
So it can be good to question, but not to compare ( to Tibi world).
And I love the reminder of “ nice things” and you indeed have “ nice things” and so much more personal than wearing a brand.
Keep being you…♥️
I had to Google the 1992 concert version of My Back Pages -- how young Tom Petty looked, and George Harrison still looked and sounded so vibrant!
Thank you for sharing your experiences from your mid 40s. It's a strange time for sure. I'm looking forward to feeling a sense of calm eventually, one day... I'm sure it will come. <3
I would positively DIE if a writer and style lover of your caliber (which is most excellent) sent out a newsletter on Star Wars. I was giddy when I read that you are a fellow Star Wars fan! One of my favourite things to do when writing is to throw in a Star wars quote to just find like minded sartorial Star Wars fans!
As always, a thought-provoking and insightful read! Thank you, Tiia!